Romantic comedies are all the same: two good-looking people bumping into each other and falling in love at first sight. At the end of the movie, they have it all: the perfect house, careers, a bunch of kids, and amazing sex. Unfortunately, dating doesn’t always look like that in real life. Some couples are not able to find common ground; others suffer from the lack of satisfying sex.
Sexual incompatibility makes it difficult to maintain a romantic relationship. If you have been experiencing problems in the bedroom, it’s worth knowing that you are not alone. According to recent research, almost every fifth couple in the United States is sexually incompatible.
America’s famous sex therapist Dr Ruth assures us that:
“Incompatibility isn’t the end of the relationship. If two loving partners admit they have a problem in bed and start looking for a solution together, their sex life can rapidly improve.”
Here is how you can save your sexually incompatible relationship:
ASK YOURSELF A QUESTION
Before you take any action, ask yourself a question. ‘Do I want to put effort into this relationship?’ If you love and care about your partner deeply, it’s worth trying. Also, you should ask your loved one the same question. It will help you to understand whether you are on the same page. Once you realise that both of you want to work on the issue of sexual incompatibility, you can move further and try things listed below.
Some people prefer not to share their fetishes with partners due to the fear of being rejected. In order to have an enjoyable sex life with your partner, you should be honest about your sexual preferences. Your significant other will never understand what can please you in bed if you don’t start speaking about it.
To improve sexual compatibility, ask about their fantasies and tell your partner what can turn you on. Avoid making fun of your partner in case you find their fantasies amusing. Be open to trying something new with your partner (using sex toys, trying a threesome, sex dolls. watching porn together, etc.).
If you don’t want to do something your partner thinks is sexy, explain to them your reasons. Also, consider looking for a compromise. In case your partner doesn’t want to indulge your fetishes, accept and respect their choice. Don’t force them to do something they don’t want since it can negatively affect your relationship.
Let’s go back to the typical Hollywood romantic comedy. The sex scenes make average couples want to cry. The characters don’t take showers (cause it’s always rainy in the Nicholas Sparks stories), their kids are never around, and both of them always have mood for sex. For a lot of people, differences in libido can be a huge problem in the relationship. According to the latest study, 32% of women and 15% of men in the US are not interested in regular physical intimacy.
Not having sex can take a heavy toll on relationship security. A partner with a higher sex drive might feel rejected and undesirable. Les Parrott, PhD and author of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, says:
“That the lack of sex in a long-term relationship can decrease partners’ self-esteems and endanger guilt.”
Sex therapists recommend to discuss this issue openly and make a schedule for intimacy. In some cases, the problem arises from mismatched schedules. That’s why a couple should come to the table and begin a dialogue. It’s the only way to understand why one person isn’t interested in sex as much as the other person is. Let’s not forget that some people have low sex drive due to fatigue, health issues and stress.
To boost your partner’s sex drive, create a responsive sense of desire. To do so, you should start complimenting on your partner, holding hands and kissing more. Arouse your loved one instead of waiting for months for their willingness to kick in.
If you are the one with low sex drive, explain to your partner why you don’t want to be intimate at this point in your life but don’t leave them wondering.
WHY SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY MATTERS?
Sexual compatibility is based on communication and desire to compromise. If you and your partner can’t find common ground in the bedroom, how will you be able to solve other problems in the relationship? You can improve sexual compatibility by making an effort – ask your partner what they like and want to try. Initiate sex and show your partner that you are interested in satisfying them. Have an open discussion if you don’t like some aspects of sexual life in your relationship.
Being compatible in bed means having the same ideas about sexual exclusivity, frequency and communication. A healthy sexual relationship requires connection and willingness of both sides.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Sexual compatibility should never be taken for granted. It takes time to explore your boundaries with the partner, learn how to communicate effectively and cope with different libidos. If you see the warning signs of sexual incompatibility in your relationship and can’t come up with a solution, consider seeing a professional sex therapist. Your sex life might not always look like in the romantic movie, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be awesome. So, keep on trying, and you will get there.